Nothing But Nostalgia

Six years ago, I started my freshman year at BYU.

That was me. Not one of the statues. Not the red-haired girl on the left. But the wide-eyed, innocent youth on the right–so optimistic, so eager to prove himself in the real world.

Fast-forward four years of school, two years in the Philippines, a summer in the UK, five different apartments, seven sets of roommates, nine finals weeks, three jobs, forty-six blog posts, and countless slices of pizza, I find myself at the opposite end of my college experience.

Sometimes it feels like not much has changed since I started at BYU six years ago. In many ways, I guess I’m still that same wide-eyed, innocent freshman who liked to pretend that statues were real.

But in many more ways, that wide-eyed, innocent freshman has died, never to live again. My eyes are now narrowed into slits of distrust, wary of the world around me and the people who occupy that world.

Nah, I’m kidding. I just wanted to be dramatic. The point is that a lot has happened since that first day of college back in 2008. Now, my entire college experience nothing but a memory, I can’t help but feel sentimental.

When I first started college, BYU seemed like such a magical place–like Hogwarts, only with less booze. But when classes like Transfiguration, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts were sacrificed in favor of classes like American Heritage, biology, and psychology, it didn’t take me long to realize that BYU is not such a magical place after all.

Magical or not, however, BYU has been my home away from home for four out of the past six years, though it felt like home more at certain times than it did at others. College was a time of constant change, and each new semester was like a new book of the same series, a series called Matthew Does College or something more creative that I can’t think of right now. And as is the case with all book series, some books were more well-written than others. Some books had me up all night, wanting to see what came next. Other books found me reading out of sheer obligation, dredging through each chapter and looking forward to the final pages.

My experiences at BYU spanned what I believe to be the entire spectrum of the typical college experience… again, minus the booze.

College is about taking the first baby steps into the real world, which is exactly what I have done in the past six years. So despite the advice of TLC, I did go chasing waterfalls, and I did not stick to the rivers and the lakes I was used to.

People might assume that, just because I went to a private church college, my college experience was sheltered and uneventful. Those people would be right.

Nevertheless, my college experience, unlike the BYU population, was diverse. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I both laughed and cried, both struggled and triumphed. I reaped the benefits of hard work and suffered the consequences of procrastination. I made decisions that will shape the rest of my life, for good or for bad.

Yes, I made mistakes–mistakes that I can never take back. Mistakes that I will always regret.

Above is photographic evidence of a mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life. That poor grass. How could I have been such a monster???

And I can’t help but ask myself, why does everyone make so many mistakes in their college years? In my opinion, it’s because college is this whole awkward phase where we wanted to expand our horizons or something philosophical like that. I know such has been the case in my life. For example, I once went skydiving… off the roof of my apartment… in a dream. Not that impressive I guess.

I didn’t do everything I wanted to do during college. I never visited the hot springs down in Spanish Fork. I never walked up to a random person and greeted them like I had known them my whole life, hugging them and saying, “I haven’t seen you in forever!”

Nevertheless, I had my fair share of new experiences. I scuba dived myself into a bloody nose, ice skated my way into a broken heart, and roller skated my way into an injured leg.

And as I look back at my time in college, a number of images flash through my mind, images that remind me just how… unique… my college experience has been.

I see myself buried in a pile of leaves.

I see myself swimming in a sea of red jello… because I’m pretty sure that jello is the official Utah state food.

I see my vision being obscured in a cloud of colors, chalk dust that turned my shower water a nasty shade of purple.

I see all the people I met throughout the years, people I couldn’t imagine my life without.

I see my first set of roommates, a group of the most different personalities you could possibly imagine. And yet, somehow, we (kind of) learned how to get along.

I see my last set of roommates, who also got along even though (or perhaps because) we hardly ever saw each other, due to our conflicting schedules. Only we were able to gather together one final time at the end of the semester, united because three of us had a 7 a.m. final, and the other one was just crazy enough to be awake at such an ungodly hour.

I see myself becoming part of a scooter gang. . .

Because apparently that’s a thing.

I remember making this gem of a music video.

I see everything from fake engagements. . .

. . .to actual weddings.

Everything from my first day. . .

. . .to graduation day.

Moments when I laughed so hard that I cried.

Moments when I cried so hard that I just had to laugh.

I traveled the world and found myself in the process.

But I never lost touch with my roots.

I know that all those memories are just that… memories. Nothing more, nothing less. That time of my life is over. At times that realization makes me very happy, at others a little sad. But either way, it is time to move on.

And even though I’m not quite sure where life is going to take me now. . .

. . .I do know that life is taking me someplace new. Everything has changed. In the blink of an eye, I have gone from being a poor college student to being just plain poor. So don’t tell me I haven’t evolved!

As I begin this new phase of my life, I feel like it’s time to leave certain things behind. Preferably, I would leave behind my insecurities, my weaknesses, my emotional baggage. But since that is easier said than done, I have decided to start by leaving behind this blog. That’s right, this is the last post I am ever going to do under this blog domain. Call me dramatic if you must, but every post in this blog has been connected to my college experience. Now that my college experience is over, I feel like it is time to end this blog as well.

I realize what this means. It means that the number of people who read my blog will plummet from three to zero, a drastic change. But anyone who is interested in still following my story can direct themselves here. Granted, I haven’t written anything in my new blog yet, but new posts are forthcoming.

Thanks to all those who have taken the time to read my musings, from my most popular musings to the musings that were much less popular (there were too many to link to just one). I hope you have enjoyed this journey as much as I have.

And now, I bid you farewell in the most appropriate, dignified way I can think of:

Bye, see ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!

And I mean that.

The Seven Stages of Developing a TV Show Addiction

Drugs. Pornography. Either of these things can put you on the dark, dangerous path to addiction.

But there is one type of addiction that is much more subtle but equally dangerous. It can affect your brain just as drastically as drugs or pornography. And if you’re not careful, it could ruin your whole life.

Today I would like to address the very serious issue of TV show addictions.

Now, before I get started, let me just preface by saying that I don’t inherently hate television–not anymore, at least. Sure, when I got back from my church mission, there was a period of time when I would consistently refer to TV as “the devil box.”

But that’s not me anymore.

I am writing this post simply because I myself have suffered from the pains of TV show addictions.

You may scoff at the mere mention of a TV show addiction, but I urge you not to do so. Stella Dorby, president of national support group Television Addicts Anonymous (TAA), has this to say regarding frivolous attitudes toward TV show addictions:

“It’s no laughing matter. As a former TV show addict and the current president of TAA, it is my duty–no, my stewardship–to protect television addicts from those people who seek to mock and undermine the credibility of such addictions.”

As a struggling TV addict myself, I urge all of you to please heed the words of Stella Dorby. One look at her will assure you that she is an upstanding citizen of these the United States, a woman whose opinion should be taken seriously.

Stella Dorby, President of TAA

If you don’t believe Stella Dorby (and I can’t understand why this would possibly be the case), believe me. I speak from personal experience: TV is a very real, very hazardous addiction.

Let me share what I have noticed to be the seven stages of developing a TV show addiction. If you recognize that you or somebody you know is going through these stages, I urge you to seek help before it’s too late.

Stage 1: Hearing about the show

Someone, somewhere, mentions that a show is good. You listen, but you are skeptical.

As far as you’re concerned at this point, there’s no way a show can be as good as people make it out to be.

Stage 2: Watching the show for the first time

Despite your doubts, you decide to give the show a whirl. You watch an episode or two, and you think to myself, This isn’t bad. You might even think it’s a downright decent show.

 

And you inwardly applaud the fact that the show isn’t horrible after all. Yay for life.

Stage 3: The show gets good

Either you get into the groove of the show, or the show finally gets into gear with its own groove. Before you know it, the show has become the best part of your life… which might not be saying much, but still.

There is usually some point of the show where everything just clicks, and at this point, there’s no turning back. You may not be aware of an addiction at this point, but the seeds of addiction have definitely sprouted.

Stage 4: Binge watching

Hanging out with friends? Exercise? Meeting new people? No thanks. Just give me my stories.

 

And thus the binge watching begins.

Stage 5: The secret addiction is no longer secret

Your show is definitely your top priority at this point. You spend hours isolated in your room, watching just one more episode… then another one… then another one.

People start to notice that you’re spending a significant amount of time watching a TV show. Suspicion and mockery ensue.

Stage 6: You become too emotionally invested in the show

This particular stage calls for more examples from my personal experience with television addiction.

You have to know that, outside of the television world, I am quite the even-tempered individual. Tell me just about anything and I will almost always have the same reaction.

My reaction to a friend or family member telling me that they’re going to come visit:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My reaction to finding out that somebody just died:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My reaction to finding out my best friend is engaged:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally, my reaction to a joke, even if I think it’s funny:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, you can say I’m a man of few emotions. Some might call me stoic, maybe even heartless.

Therefore, I can’t help but worry when TV causes me to have some irrationally extreme emotional reactions.

Like my reaction when somebody tries to talk to me while I’m watching my TV addiction:

Or when I don’t agree with the direction the show takes:

 

Some shows even make me… what’s the word? Laugh?

And the worst reaction comes when I reach the end of a good show’s run:

What will I watch now?

Stage 7: The most disturbing stage of all

When you have an actual dream about a TV show, you know your addiction is out of control. You might even dream about full episodes of your favorite TV shows. When you wake up and realize these dreams were not actual canonical episodes, you feel complete and utter disappointment.

And such is the life of a television addict.

So yes, TV show addictions are real, and yes, such addictions are serious. TV is a means by which to waste away your own life in the process of becoming too invested in the lives of fictional characters.

To avoid developing a TV show addiction, please steer clear of the following shows:

Veronica Mars
Friends
The Simpsons
Scrubs
The Office
24
Lost
Parks and Recreation
30 Rock
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Arrested Development

On the other hand… more often than not, TV is a good alternative to life. Your favorite TV characters are probably more reliable than the actual people in your life. Also, when something bad happens in a TV show, you can just tell yourself it’s not real–which isn’t really the case in real life. So when I say to steer clear of the above shows, I actually mean that you should watch all of them immediately.

And to answer your question, yes, this article is a complete joke–probably in more ways than one.

G-Day

With my college graduation just over a month away,  I can’t help but have mixed feelings.

Today I would like to share those feelings, not so much in words (though I will use some of those), but with the help of some GIFs.

Part of me can barely contain the excitement

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s face it, college is hard. Even though I chose the easiest major I could possibly think of (English language and linguistics), I am still ready to be done with homework, projects, and tests.

I want to be done with BYU

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As much as I love BYU on principle (mainly for its cheap tuition), spend too much time in the same place and you’re bound to harbor harsh feelings toward it eventually. I feel like it’s time for a change of scenery, even if I am technically still going to live close to BYU (but at least I won’t be a student there!)

My immediate reaction at the thought of being done:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I used this exact GIF last week, but this particular GIF is just too brilliant to be under-used. In fact…

OK, I’m done.

The point is, I get really excited about the thought of being DONE with school. The idea of just working full-time and then having the rest of the time to myself??? It’s almost too good to be true.

Too bad people rain on my parade by telling me how difficult life can be after college.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yet no matter what other people say, I won’t let them ruin my dreams of a peaceful post-college existence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But then people ask me what I plan on doing after I graduate, and I’m all…

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s when it hits me. I have no idea where my life is headed after this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I realize that picking the easiest major might not have been the best option after all.

 

 

 

 

No matter what I try, I will inevitably stumble and fall at one point or another.

 

 

 

 

 

Then people tell me to date more, asking me when I’ll just settle down and get married. To which I only have one reaction.

 

 

 

 

Let’s just worry about graduation for now, shall we?

Frangled

We’ve all heard about the infamous celebrity feuds: Lindsey Lohan vs. Amanda Bynes, Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift, the Kardashians vs. everyone… But did you know that there have been a number of celebrity feuds that never reached the public eye?

And the most vicious of all feuds has been behind the scenes of two beloved Disney films, causing ripples of distress that perhaps can never be stilled.

Rapunzel from Tangled

vs.

Elsa from Frozen

Critics of Frozen claim that Anna is a ripoff of Rapunzel from Tangled. Little do they know that Rapunzel couldn’t care less about Anna. Her beef is with older sister Elsa, who has been Rapunzel’s royal rival ever since Elsa referred to the long-haired beauty as a “naive little slut” a few years back. Even though the two never had much interaction growing up–what with their parents secluding them from the world and all–Elsa apparently has never been impressed with what she calls Rapunzel’s “desperate cries for attention.”

Rapunzel did not respond to these attacks from her icy counterpart until after her dramatic haircut and subsequent marriage to the rogue Royal Flynn. Eventually, she admitted that she always felt Elsa had somewhat of an unhealthy crush on her, sparking rumors that Elsa is, as everyone has previously suspected, a lesbian. This left Elsa outraged.

In an attempt to mend bridges, Rapunzel showed up to Elsa’s coronation, as was witnessed by observant viewers of the multi-million dollar hit Frozen.

But Elsa, wanting none of it, promptly and briskly turned Rapunzel away.

Needless to say, it was Rapunzel’s turn to be offended. The paparazzi caught sight of her storming away from Elsa’s castle, shouting various obscenities and refusing her husband’s attempts to console her. Flynn reportedly told his fuming wife to “calm down,” but Rapunzel would not be calm. Instead, she took to the interwebs to further spread vicious rumors about Elsa. And after Elsa fled from her own coronation party, Rapunzel posted these blatant jabs to her twitter account:

“Heard someone’s gone and isolated herself in an ice castle where she belongs. All I can say is it’s about time!”

“What kind of pathetic drama queen gets so upset that she causes an endless winter? #embarrassedtobeafellowqueen #beentheredonethat #attentionwhore #sosad.”

“The White Witch from Chronicles of Narnia called, Elsa. She wants her b****iness back.”

It seems, however, that Elsa has had a drastic change of heart since her days of frigid solitude. Friends of both Rapunzel and Elsa report that Elsa has extended several olive branches of peace, but despite her numerous pleas for Rapunzel to “let it go,” it seems that the latter is clinging relentlessly to her grudge.

So what do you think? Are you team Elsa or team Rapunzel? Can Elsa be forgiven for her harsh treatment of Rapunzel at such a young age? Or has Rapunzel become too entitled since losing her luscious locks of golden hair?

Only time will tell if these two will be able to bridge the chasm that has split between them.

Check back next week for more of the latest celebrity gossip, this time about one of Hollywood’s hottest (and most mysterious) couples:

The awkward dancing girl from the Friday music video

and

The wrecking ball from the music video of the same name

These two music video sensations have had an on-again, off-again relationship throughout the years, one that was only complicated by the wrecking ball’s sudden rise to fame after its music video went viral.

“I can’t believe the wrecking ball would let another woman ride him like that,” the awkward dancing girl told reporters last week, referring to Miley Cyrus’s infamous nude straddling of the wrecking ball in her music video. “He told me I was special.”

Could it be that Entertainment Weekly‘s 2012  “sexiest couple in Hollywood” could be calling it quits for good this time? Next week we will sit down with the wrecking ball in its first interview since the breakup. Find out what caused the wall-smashing tool to express this tear-felt sentiment:

“It’s just so hard to be with someone for so long and then to realize that you have misjudged them all along. I thought I was supposed to be the wrecking ball, but the truth is, she’s the one who came into my life like a wrecking ball. All she ever did was wre-eh-eh-eck me.”

Single and Proud: A Single Person’s Guide to Being Single

Mutant and proud? Try single and proud. I wish I could walk through walls, or be a shape-shifter, or eject metallic claws out of my knuckles.

But no, I have to be single instead.

Living in a world where everyone around you is literally getting married and having babies, it is easy to feel like a mutant of sorts while you remain stubbornly single. Like there is something abnormal–maybe even repulsive–about you that keeps others at bay.

This post is for those of you drowning your sorrows in a pint of either ice cream or alcohol (or both).

This is for those of you who feel perpetually alone: Single with a capital S.

This goes out to those of you who can honestly say that this is the story of your life:

This, my friends, is my guide to making the best of being single.

Stay in shape

Resist the temptation to let yourself go just because you’re not with someone. Regular exercise will increase confidence, reminding you of what people are missing out on by not being with you.

Develop a hobby

Find something that you enjoy and that will keep you busy during your downtime. Reading might be a good option. Books help you escape to a world where your relationship status doesn’t matter. Find a genre that strikes your fancy. If you have a hard time finding books you like, keep trying. It’s not like you have much else to do anyway! I used to think I didn’t like reading, but then I discovered young adult literature. That’s my preference. What’s yours?

Don’t talk to other people too early in the morning

This should be a given. Early mornings are no time for talking, at least not for single people. Don’t be afraid to treat roommates like they don’t exist early in the morning. If you are not careful, your reaction to everything that everyone says, no matter how pleasant it is, could be this:

 

So please, think of the children and keep morning talk to a minimum.

Find outlets for your bitterness

As a single person, you are bound to feel intense bitterness about your lack of a significant other, especially during this time of year. That’s normal. In my opinion, the best option is to channel this bitterness in a healthy way. Avoid passive aggressive Facebook statuses. That won’t get you anywhere and will most likely just solidify your position as a single person. Instead, use your bitterness to develop a cynical, snarky sense of humor. There’s no more room in this world for people who think life is just a bunch of rainbows and lollipops, so don’t feel bad if you falter in your optimism every now and then. Also, don’t be afraid to intrude on couples and ruin their romantic moments. Sit in between a couple that is in danger of turning your living room into a make-out party.

Call couples out for being ridiculous when they say that they keep picking each other’s Apples to Apples cards because they are so “connected.” Couples have an uncanny knack for making things awkward for single people, so do what you can to turn the tables and make them feel awkward. If worse comes to worst, that couple will not want to get together around you anymore. What a loss that would be.  Not.

Travel the world

Life is too short to miss out on seeing the world. If you’re single, now is the time to visit the places you’ve always wanted to visit, see the things you’ve always wanted to see. All of that becomes at least two times more complicated the minute you get married and have to help support a family (in that you have to pay for a minimum of two people to travel instead of just one).

Don’t let life get you down

Life will sometimes kick you in the face, which can be hard to manage on your own. But no matter how hard things get, always force yourself to bounce back and keep on keeping on.

Enjoy your freedom

Enjoy your lack of familial responsibility while you can. The only one who owns you is you! You answer to NOBODY. You are in charge of your own life and nobody else’s, and that’s something that can be enjoyed for a limited time only. Cherish it!

Comfort and rewards

 

This is easily the most important one. If other people aren’t going to give you the treatment you deserve, then take matters into your own hands. When I first started college, I would always buy myself some chocolate milk after taking a test. If I did well on the test, I rewarded myself with chocolate milk. If my test score wasn’t so great, I comforted myself with chocolate milk. Since chocolate milk is basically my version of alcohol, it worked both ways. Always find simple (and preferably cheap) ways to comfort and reward yourself.

Of course, these are just a few tips for staying sane at the loneliest of times. Find a way to accept your single status, maybe even embrace it. That’s not to say you should give up on relationships altogether, but there’s no use in stressing over a situation that you can’t always control. Just remember that people are often the worst, and you are not to blame if you seem to be going unnoticed. But maintain hope that, one of these days, somebody will like you, and you will like them back. It’s a rare phenomenon, but it’s been known to happen. I think.

It’s all easier said than done, I know. I myself have been guilty of falling into the single trap, allowing my lack of a relationship to define my life. I have allowed myself to drown in a sea of bitterness and self-pity, losing hope that I would ever find a special someone. But I invite all you single people to join me in my efforts to make the best of a less-than-desirable situation.

And, just as a side note, I hope that someday even I will find love in a hopeless place: my cold, black heart. It’s what Rihanna would want, after all, and I hate to disappoint her.

Don’t disappoint Rihanna. Find love in a hopeless place.

Happy single awareness day!

Quiet Desperation

People often ask me why I am so quiet. There are many answers to that question.

I have nothing to say. I’d rather sing, but people tend to look at me funny when I do that.

I wasn’t even paying attention to what was being said. Which is true about eighty percent of the time, FYI… what’s going on inside my mind is often much more interesting than what’s going on outside of it. ‘Tis the curse of having an interesting mind in a boring world.

More often than not, however, the best answer to that question is this:

What’s it to you? 

And here’s a random picture of a penguin to prove my point:

The fact is this: I am quiet. It is a part of who I am. Would I like to be the life of the party? Sometimes. No inhibitions, comfortable around everybody that I meet… If only! But I’m not. And that’s just how it is.

It took me awhile to accept this about myself. People would say it was my fault that I’m quiet. Well, maybe that’s true to an extent. Some people have overcome being quiet. Good for them. Excuse me for a moment while I celebrate your victory over life.

Sometimes things are harder for some people than they are for others. That’s just a fact of life.

And, by the way, whenever someone points out that I’m quiet, especially when it’s in front of other people, this is how I want to react:

Loud people everywhere: Pointing out other people’s quietness is a big no-no. It shouldn’t be a thing! Your intentions might be good. Perhaps you are trying to get the quiet people involved in the conversation. But singling them out for being quiet is not a good way of doing that. It just makes the quiet person feel even more awkward and uncomfortable, which is probably why that person is being so quiet in the first place!

If you want to get quiet people involved in a conversation, by all means, still do it. Ask them about themselves. Make them feel like they belong. That’s all we really want. Quiet people are just like other people, only quieter. And in a lot of cases, they are a lot cooler. Let’s be honest.

Leave Katy Alone!

Before I start today, I should preface by saying that I have gotten inspiration for this post from a number of other sources–first from my sister, a fellow blogger who recently defended Keira Knightly; and second from a psychotic androgynous person who couldn’t stand all the hate Britney Spears was receiving a few years ago.

Does everybody remember this guy?

I was seriously shocked, frightened, and concerned after seeing this the first time because it reminded me just how much raw anger there is in this world. But that is neither here nor there.

Today I will be defending the likes of Katy Perry. If anyone doesn’t know who that is, I would be very shocked because the very fact that you have internet and can read this blog suggests to me that you should know who Katy Perry is. Anyone who doesn’t know who she is has probably been living under a rock and/or has not had internet access in the past three years.

And perhaps that is one of the reasons why she gets so much flack. I have heard a lot of mean things about my dear friend Katy.

She’s a slut!
Her songs are annoying!
She’s overrated!

Indeed, the best way to put it is that Katy Perry gets a lot of crap.

How dare you, sirs. Don’t you know that the whole slut issue is just a matter of perspective?

So what, she lied on a cotton candy cloud naked? We have all thought about doing that at one point or another. 

OK, maybe not…

But the truth is that we’ve all done ridiculous things. Committing a single murder might make you a murderer, but for the most part, I don’t think things we’ve done in the past should define us. So you say naked cotton candy frolicking makes Katy Perry a slut? OK. Well, I jumped out of a moving golf cart once and broke my foot… which means I did a stupid thing. And I’ve done many other stupid things in addition to that. Does that make me a stupid person?

Wait… Don’t answer that.

Are some of her songs a tad on the risque side? Sure. But whether we’d like to admit it or not, we all have risque thoughts. Katy’s just singing what’s on her mind! And not all of her songs are about tasting a girl’s cherry chapstick or having a ménage à trois on a Friday night.

Sometimes Katy has a softer, even inspirational side. Do you remember Firework? Do you remember Wide Awake? And what about the recently released Roar? All inspirational songs, in my not-so-humble-opinion.

You shouldn’t dismiss a singer based on a few of their songs. You are not expected to like every song, just like you are not expected to like every food, book, or movie. And if all of Katy Perry’s songs have just grated on you, perhaps you should open your heart and mind to the possibility that ONE DAY she will release a song that you enjoy. Closing yourself to an artist could prevent you from a song that you can relate to, be inspired by, or even just sing along with.

Plus, let’s not forget something of utmost importance. Katy Perry is hot! Looks aren’t everything, sure, but come on… just look at her!

Think what you want about her music, but I will say one thing: I wouldn’t kick her out of bed! I mean… um… I’m just saying, if she needed a bed to sleep in–that wasn’t mine–I wouldn’t kick her out of it. That’s all I meant by that.

Also, if she came to my door and asked me to marry her, this would be my response:

But, barring the possibility that Katy Perry will just randomly show up at my door to propose, I’ll just have to support her from afar.

As for her being overrated, what does that even mean? Everyone is overrated because everyone is the worst. Have any of you gotten five number one singles from a single CD? Unless you are Michael Jackson reading this from the beyond, then I am confident in saying that no, you have not done this. But Katy has!

Some people also use the argument that Katy isn’t even a good singer because her live performances leave something to be desired. My defense to this? Try singing and dancing at the same time and still sound perfect! Try singing in front of thousands of thousands of people without missing a note or two. And if you do enough internet snooping, you will find that Katy has had good performances in addition to the bad ones. Oh no, she’s human! How dare she have bad performances?!!! Also, her most recent performances have shown massive improvements, which goes to show that she’s doing what we’d expect from any person: improving! Let the past stay in the past. There’s no need to judge someone based on where they were. It is better to judge them based on where they’re going.

And besides… Katy Perry just released a new CD, so she’s not going anywhere anytime soon. My guess is that her songs will continue to dominate the radio stations whether you like it or not! So you’d best start being nice to Katy Perry, lest you suffer her wrath!

I kid, of course. We are all free to choose who we like and don’t like, especially when it comes to the music industry. I just thought it would be fun to post about my love for Katy Perry, and it was!

But in a last-ditch effort to convince you to give Katy a chance, I invite you to listen to this new song of hers, in which she sings about struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts:

Looks like Katy Perry has a deep, vulnerable, meaningful side. Hmmm…

Not to mention these lyrics from other songs:

You know who I, who I think will win? Are the ones that let love in…

Acceptance is the key to be, to be truly free. Will you do the same for me?

I’ll be the one defining who I’m gonna be…

These are real feelings of someone just trying to get by in life, just like the rest of us. So I ask you, please, please leave poor Katy Perry alone! Am I the only straight man who openly supports Katy Perry and admits to liking her music? Perhaps. Even so, I think there is something to be said about cutting someone a little bit of slack.

So the next time you want to judge Katy Perry, do something more productive instead. Run a mile or two. Eat a vegetable. Read a good book. Stop wasting your time on hating someone for being risque, annoying, or too popular when there are much worse things happening in the world. For crying out loud, people are dying. Children are starving. The economy is collapsing. Right this moment, someone somewhere in the world is having to wake up before the sun even rises to go do hard labor for a meager salary that barely supports their family. A couple is cuddling and expressing love to one another–this, above all things, is definitely something much more disgusting and deserving of criticism than anything Katy Perry has ever said or done.

Skeletons in My Closet

I am currently enrolled in a positive living class. It’s basically a class about how to be positive in a negative world. So far it has been quite enlightening, especially for this cynical, pessimistic blogger.

Each week in this class, we focus on a different quality that will enable us to see ourselves and the world around us in a more positive light. This week we are focusing on character strengths. For our assignment, we are supposed to pick one of our top five character strengths (which were determined by one of those annoying online surveys where you decide if different statements describe you a lot, a medium amount, or not at all) and focus on that strength for a week in an effort to improve it. The “character strength” I chose was authenticity.

To be completely honest, I was a bit surprised to find that authenticity was one of my strengths. I have been told that I am a very “real” person, but what does that even mean? Isn’t everybody a real person? Or are some of you people out there a figment of my imagination??!

I guess, in all reality, it’s a bit more complicated than that.

I try to be real, but the truth is that the person people see is not quite the person I actually am. I hide behind a facade of boredom and apathy toward life, but in reality I am quite strange and quirky, and I actually care a lot about people if they give me the chance to do so. BUT I have been hurt enough that I feel the need to hide a lot of my personality. It’s kind of sad, but for now, that is the way things are.

There is also that irrational but all-too-convincing fear that, if people actually got to know me, they wouldn’t be able to look past the skeletons in my closet–you know, flaws, shortcomings, past mistakes… the whole kit and/or caboodle! So yes, I hide.

Mayhaps it would be best for me to keep everything inside for now and just pull a Liz Lemon, allowing my inner demons to come pouring out of me while facing imminent death.

Or… maybe I should just start being more “real” now.

In my efforts to be more authentic, I might not be able to break down 10+ years of defenses I have built around myself, but I can take small steps to uncover those aspects of my life that I have kept hidden for so long. Therefore, I have decided to make a list of some confessions and post them here for the general public to see. In doing so, I hope to authenticate myself even just a little bit.

This, my friend, is a list of my deepest, darkest secrets.

……

……

……….

Sorry, I’m really nervous. But I have to get these things off my chest. Oh, forget it. Here we go.

I watched a whole season of Desperate Housewives on Netflix!!!!

I once went to a Twilight midnight showing. It was disturbing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think clothes are the worst! If it were my choice I would never wear them!!!!!!

I’ve seen the Katy Perry documentary! Twice!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have over 45 Nelly Furtado songs on my iTunes!!!!

I have a man crush on Brandon Flowers, lead singer of the Killers!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A beer commercial once made me cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to write Harry Potter fan fiction!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In middle school I wrote a song about having a crush on Elizabeth Smart!!!!!

I listened to the new Miley Cyrus CD and didn’t completely hate it!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

OK, so those weren’t really my deepest, darkest secrets. Did you really expect them to be? Do you honestly think I’m going to reveal all my secrets through a blog post? That would be a bit too much.

It would probably be better if I just took small steps in order to be more “real.” The real me isn’t as strong or positive as I have made myself out to be in this blog. I have weaknesses. Sometimes I have days where I feel downright hopeless. I even have a bit of an…edgy side. Of course, that last part shouldn’t come as a surprise. Everybody has a dark side, as Kelly Clarkson once sang.

So I want this blog to be less fake and more… me. No more disgustingly cheesy posts about the more serious sides of life. Those posts served a purpose during a difficult time, but I feel much stronger now and more confident about who I really am! The real me is sarcastic, cynical, and yes, even a little imperfect.

You might have even noticed that I made a slight change to the title of my blog… again. No longer is it called Musings of a Silent Guy. I don’t want to restrict myself to being silent all the time. What if one day I wake up and decide to be the life of the party? Granted, I hate large crowds of people with a fiery intensity hotter than a thousand blazing suns, so the likelihood of me becoming the life of the party is slim to none, but that’s for me to decide!!!! Instead, it’s going to be called Musings of a Sarcastic Guy. I’d rather be known as sarcastic than silent.

So here’s to the start of a more honest, authentic blog: a glimpse into the real me. That means opinions both popular and unpopular. And if I ever talk about a serious issue, you’d better believe that blog’s going to be chalk-full of sarcasm. Because I’m a sarcastic guy. Deal with it.

And if this works out well, maybe I can even start being more authentic in person, rather than just through the internet. But this will do for now.

Watch out, world. The craziness inside is about to be unleashed!!!! You have been warned.

Why Toy Story 3 and Life are Basically the Same Thing

There are some movie/book/TV series that I would love to see become a reality. If I got the letter accepting me to Hogwarts, I would go there in a heartbeat. I would take any job offer to the office from Parks and Recreation so I could hang around those crazy government workers. There is even a sadistic side of me that would participate in The Hunger Games… though maybe instead of killing each other we could turn it into an elaborate game of tag?

One series that I would never want to see come true? Toy Story.

Don’t get me wrong: I love Toy Story! But can you imagine if the whole series ended up being a documentary? How frightening would that be? Imagine how you would feel if you were sitting in your room, doing homework or something like that, and all of a sudden your toys started singing and dancing! Wouldn’t your first reaction be to destroy them all?

So, before I continue, let me just say that I honestly hope the Toy Story movies never become a reality. For anyone. Ever. In fact, if any of you have experienced toys coming to life, I urge you to seek counseling and/or a priest to perform exorcism in your house!!!

But ignoring the somewhat jarring and even traumatizing idea behind Toy Story, many life lessons can be learned from the series–especially the third movie, which is what I will be focusing on today.

(SPOILER ALERT!!! But honestly, if you haven’t watched Toy Story 3 yet, it’s your own fault. I have no sympathy for you. For crying out loud, people, it came out three years ago! I was literally on the other side of the world when it was released and I still managed to watch it, even if it wasn’t until a year later!)

Woody or Buzz?

In one scene, Andy decides which of his toys he wants to take with him to college: Woody or Buzz.

Decisions, decisions. Every day is full of decisions, some bigger than others. Woody or Buzz? Chocolate or vanilla? Responsibility or fun? College or the circus? These are all decisions that I, like many others, have had to face in the past. Luckily, I can say with confidence that I always made the correct decision in four out of five of those cases. Buzz is clearly cooler than Woody because Buzz is from space. Also, cowboys are the worst. Chocolate is of course better than vanilla, except for when it comes to pudding. Fun always beats responsibility, which is why I’m writing this ridiculous blog post instead of thinking about my future and stuff.

Unfortunately, sometimes we make the wrong decisions. I will always regret going to college instead of joining the circus… but I made my decision, and now I must face the consequences–the consequences in this case being a college education and an actual career. Bummer!

Andy tried to throw us away!

Remember how Andy’s mom accidentally puts Andy’s toys out to be taken by the garbage truck, causing the toys to think their owner tried to throw them away? Then it takes the toys a good part of the movie to figure out that it was all a misunderstanding!

Sometimes we feel that people just throw us away like toys. They use us, abuse us, rip our arms off (metaphorically speaking, I hope), and then get rid of us when we’ve served our purpose in their lives. People suck sometimes, but I highly doubt that most of us intend to “throw other people away.” There is something called “moving on,” which in some cases can leave people feeling abandoned. However, I feel like true “moving on” involves bringing in new aspects to your life while still staying connected to your past. Unless your past is horrible and you really want to forget about it, in which case throw that crap in the trash!

So people, stop throwing your loved ones away. It’s not nice!

The Incinerator

Did anyone else find this scene incredibly unsettling? I know most people I talked to thought, for a split second, that Disney was going to end the beloved children’s series by burning all the toys to ashes! That would have been a really finalizing but extreme way to end the series.

I, for one, am glad they decided not to incinerate all the toys! Can you imagine? A huge pile of ashes… sad music playing as all that can be found is a single arm that once belonged to Jesse, clinging onto the severed hand of Buzz. How disturbing! Disney would have paid for a lot of tears and therapy if they had chosen to go down that route!

Luckily, the toys were spared. Sometimes in life we face our own personal “incinerators,” times of tribulation (i.e. facing the “fire” in our lives) that we think will destroy us. But everything always works out, and those moments of fear, uncertainty, and pain will always pass.

Saying Goodbye

Who doesn’t get a little choked up at the part when Andy leaves his toys behind and heads off to college? Even I, the guy people have deemed “The Heartless One” (OK, nobody has ever called me that… but I kind of like it, so I’m going with it), had to hold back a tear or two. My dad, who was semi-watching this movie with me, said this part of this movie is so sad because we can all relate to it.

My first reaction to my dad’s claim was that he was probably going a bit senile in his ever-increasing old age. How can I relate to being sad about leaving behind toys when I hardly even remember most of my toys? I do remember having some beanie babies, but I usually just used them to create my own version of Survivor or the summer/winter/spring/fall Olympics (yes, I know there are no spring/fall Olympics, but I was that stupid). I also remember having a stuffed Barney (you know, that highly perverted purple dinosaur?) when I was really little, but my older brother brutally murdered it in a crime of ill-repressed rage against me. I don’t even remember what I did to make him so mad, but I do remember there being lots of… stuffing. Everywhere. It was quite gruesome.

When I told my dad that I didn’t even remember half of my toys, let alone feel any sense of sadness about getting rid of them, he simply shook his head and said, “You are really stupid. The toys represent family! Idiot.” OK, so maybe he didn’t really call me stupid or an idiot, but it was implied! Anyway, he had a point. We all can relate to saying goodbye to friends, family, and other loved ones… leaving them behind to start a new chapter of our lives. Which is always hard, but change is just a part of life.

So there you have it. Those are just a few of the reasons why Toy Story 3 and life are basically the same thing. Let’s just hope all our toys never come to life.

Meanwhile, Back in Reality…

Every once in a while, there comes a point where we have to wake up and smell the rancid manure that is real life.

Recently I have found myself in an awkward position. I am less than eight months from graduating college, and I have no idea what I want to do once I graduate.

Should I go to graduate school or just start looking for a job right away? Should I stay in Provo, move back to Arizona, or find somewhere else completely different to live?

Maybe I should just find a random woman on the street and demand that we get married at once! After all, everyone around me is literally getting married and having babies. The other day, I was talking to a girl who was sitting behind me in class. I turned back to the front of the classroom to listen to the lecture, and the next time I looked back, the girl all of a sudden had a baby in her arms! Where did that baby come from? Did she give birth in class while I was turned the other way??? Why are people so obsessed with getting married and having babies????! Admittedly, I guess it’s all a part of religious culture. Even I have been known to make a joke or two or six thousand about being pregnant. As a result, people often claim that I’m baby hungry. But I in fact have absolutely no desire to eat any babies!!!

I think the best thing to do in such a time of uncertainty is to make a plan and then go for it. I for one like to seek God’s approval after making a plan. Other people might not take that route: that’s completely up to them! But religious or not, it is best to work toward something, even if it ends up falling through. And who knows? Maybe in the process you will be taken down another, better path.

Unfortunately, no matter how much you plan, many aspects of your life are simply out of your control. I have learned that the hard way throughout the years. Sometimes there is a distinct and even painful difference between what we expect life to be and what it actually turns out to be.

That’s pretty much the tune I was singing last year. (No, I did not literally go around singing like Fantine. Even though I can relate to Fantine–remember that one time I went into prostitution to support my child???–I do not feel the need to walk around singing about how difficult life can be. That would be a tad melodramatic.) There were a bunch of crappy things going on that were completely out of my control, and my life pretty much fell apart at the seams. It was awesome!

But you know what? Things change. And I’m doing much much better now. I still have a long way to go, but at least I’m in a better place now. That’s not to say I have died and am blogging from heaven–I mean a better place emotionally. In fact, if I were to pick a song to describe my transition from last school year to now, it would be this:

Is it embarrassing that I feel empowered by a Katy Perry song? Perhaps. But it doesn’t matter because it definitely captures my change in attitude over the past year. So even though life didn’t go exactly as expected, I can’t say that’s necessarily a bad thing.

Another example of unexpected outcomes was from my study abroad trip. (I know I said I’m done blogging about that, but I promise it’s relevant). I went on the study abroad just expecting to see new places and, I admit, to possibly… find love. Don’t mock me!!! There were eleven girls and two boys, OK?! The odds were definitely in my favor (like the Hunger Games)!

Instead, I left Europe with some unexpected outcomes, most of which had to do with connections. The first type of connections have to do with possible future jobs. In an economy where who you know is so important, it’s exciting to have a couple ins with employment opportunities. Even if those connections don’t amount to anything, I feel like the application process will provide me with valuable experience. And if these connections do amount to something, even better!

Of course, the main type of connection I was referring to earlier was that of interpersonal connections. I certainly have experienced that as a result of my study abroad. Even though the closest thing I got to finding love was a CONTROVERSIAL fake engagement, I established many close friendships–especially with my beloved study abroad roommate Jacob. I went to Europe looking for romance, but I ended up finding a BROMANCE! We are quite hilarious… like two peas in a pod! He is the Marcie to my Peppermint Patty… you know, minus the thick glasses and strong lesbian vibe. *

In fact, here’s a picture of us!

Can you tell we’re best friends? Anyway, part of why I’ve been doing so great lately is because I have someone who I can talk to and just be my complete, unfiltered self around. That is really refreshing. So although I didn’t go on the study abroad expecting to find a brother, a brother I got, and I am very grateful!

That just goes to show you that our preconceived notions of life can be quite different from what ends up actually happening. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

What does the future hold?

So what lies in my future? Well, if I were to choose, it would go something like this:

I will be a psychologist specializing in the study of child stars… but not in a creepy way. Instead, I will have won the Nobel Peace Prize for discovering what it is that causes child stars to eventually ride wrecking balls naked and set their dogs on fire. I will of course have come up with the solution. That combined with the prize money will enable my wife Emma Watson Gilliland and I to live in a beautiful mansion in Wales. My close friends and family will of course be living in our guest homes.

“Matthew Gilliland is the love of my life. I want to marry him IMMEDIATELY!”–Emma Watson, My Dreams, 1 October 2013

Assuming all that doesn’t happen, however, I’m willing to accept whatever the future has in store for me… come what may!

*This is a quote from an episode of Scrubs, as much as I’d like to claim it!